Who Does These Headlines?

It can't be an easy job doing the Marketwatch headline pre-market every morning. Now and then, there's something really exciting to feature. But there are many mornings, like this one, where there just isn't a damn thing going on. To wit:

Whoo hoo! The S&P futures are up four one-hundreths of a percent! Party time! It's the bears' last stand!

I think I would prefer just "SSDD", "Good Luck!" or "Sun Rises" instead. Not every day is a market event, folks!