I'm going to be starting a new feature on Slope called the Peeve Of The Week (POTW). I've even made a new category for it in the cloud – "Peeve" – so you can see the zoo-full of animals that live in my collection of pet peeves.
I'll kick it off with a simple one – the feel-good treacle that overpriced women's vanity retailer Lululemon slathers all over their shopping bags:
Let's sample a few of these life lessons that are – ironically – displayed proudly on these testaments on consumerism:
+ Stress is related to 99% of all illnesses: Really? Where did they get this information? I mean, if this is true, the billions being spent yearly by scientists around the world exploring the causes of cancer, AIDS, and other maladies sounds like a big waste of cash. Those same funds could instead by redirected into high-priced athletic apparel, reduce everyone's stress, and virtually wipe out the world's diseases. Am I right?
+ Live near the ocean and inhale the pure salt air: I didn't realize salt granules were airborne. In any case, this is a nice sentiment among the rich. For most of America, it's sort of like – well – pouring salt on an open wound.
+ Do one thing a day that scares you: What, like jump off a bridge? Play on a freeway? I think avoiding things that scares us is probably pretty healthy.
+ Friends are more important than money: It's probably pretty easy to embrace such a pious pronouncement when you're the founder of Lulu and worth gazillions of dollars. Friends probably aren't that hard to scare up for him either, I imagine.
+ Children are the orgasm of life: Ah, this is my personal favorite. Check in with parents of a screaming infant at 3 in the morning or the mother of rebellious teenagers. See which column they check when offered the choice between being with their children or having orgiastic sex.
Hey, I feel better already. Now go out there and buy some stretchy pants. You'll rid yourself of disease, and if you're of the right body type, you'll provide potential onlookers the opportunity to do something today that scares them.