My Lame Superpowers

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Some of us on Earth are endowed with special powers that most other humans do not enjoy. Some are remarkably strong. Others can sing with the voice of an angel. The senior management team at Goldman can make their hair fall out at will and, if faced with particularly grave danger, can shape-shift into terrifying forms so as to make predators flee.

I, too, have been blessed with special powers, but they aren't everything you might expect. I can't fly – – although, since I have no commute, I don't really need to do so. I don't have X-ray vision, although given the aesthetic constitution of most of Palo Alto's population, I'd just as soon be without it.

However, I am armed with these following powers. Ignore them at your peril:

+ Volume-Man: Do you have a pot of split-pea soup that you'd like stored in the fridge? Let me have one glance at its contents, and I can tell you precisely what storage container you need to use to hold that exact amount. I'm not kidding. I can look at any material (liquid or solid) in any peculiar container and instantly know what size storage jar, Pyrex, or Tupperware is called for. Once stored, the aforementioned substance is usually within a millimeter of the top of its new home. The kitchen is virtually the only room in the house where this superpower is useful.

+ Jiggling Eyeballs: I've mentioned this before, but newer Slopers may not be aware of this: I can jiggle my eyeballs at will. That is, I can make both eyeballs vibrate at a high rate of speed. I have, naturally, never observed this phenomenon, nor do I remember why it occurred to me as a child to give it a try and realize I was capable of this feat. In addition, I have found absolutely no application for this skill, except to really creep females out.

+ Captain Circadian: I need no clock. I can wake up in the middle of the night, and as a little game with myself, I'll guess what time it is……..I'm usually within a few minutes. I don't need an alarm clock, either; I'll wake up exactly when I've told myself to be awake. I guess the German part of me is really hung-up on time (and punctuality, for that matter), and this inner clock is personally handy, even though it hasn't saved any lives yet.

The one true superpower I've honed recently is my ability to analyze charts at a very high rate of speed. I can go through about 1,000 charts in 90 minutes or so, and a chunk of this time is simply waiting for each chart to load. This, I suppose, is the one ability I've been able to shape into some kind of livelihood. Otherwise…….if you need some vibrating eyeballs, drop me a line.

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