Deconstructing Spam

By -

I don’t remember when I sent my first email, but it was probably sometime late in 1981 (yes, I’ve been online that long). I was a CompuServe user (I even remember my ID – 74730,1740) and, equipped with my Lynx 300 baud modem, I was (obviously) a very early adopter of online communications.

During my third of a century in cyberspace I have, like the rest of you, received zillions of pieces of spam. It astonishes me that anyone still sends these things out. After all – – who falls for these things? Are there seriously sentient bipeds that believe these scams and send cash in? It boggles the mind.

I offer the text of one I received a few days ago; I have boldfaced portions of it:

Good day,
Please I want to inform you that your fund was brought to our desk,of $1.8Million Dollars, but it seems as you do not want to speak or write back to us. However, One Mr Jonathan visited my office with a Australian lawyer and application of claim over your USD$1.8Million dollars with this financial institution.
Please, do confirm to us, as matter of urgency if this man is really from you so that this office will not be held responsible for paying wrong person. Based on board of directors meeting today, they have concluded to approve the payment on his favor since you failed to fulfill the obligation given to you by the wire transfer Department, to process your payment.
Therefore, if you are really serious and willing to receive the first $1.8Million dollars through Diplomatic delivery, kindly get back to us and we will work with you to complete this your long awaited fund, so you are to effect the payment processing fees so that you will start expect your USD$1.8Million dollars via over night delivery.
Since the Payment processing fee is $860 in my concerted efforts to actualize your fund payment with the convenient time schedule I will raise $500, so I am expecting $360 from you today.
As an insider in this Financial Institution, I must assure you that once you have provided to the Bank with their demands, they would now be under legal obligation to transfer the funds to you within 24hours once we confirm this $360. YES you must receive the delivery within two working day, after you have send the $360.
Kindly make the payment to:
1. RECEIVER NAME======= JOHNSON JONAH,
2. COUNTRY=====LAGOS NIGERIA.
3. QUESTION=======WHAT
4. ANSWER======MY FUNDS
5. AMOUNT======US$360.00
I will like you to co-operate with me to retrieve this legacy payment left behind than allowing the government of this country to forfeit it. I believed it is a life time opportunity which every reasonable human-being will never allow to slip by. We do business each day with an absolute commitment to ethics, honesty and credibility.
(NOTE: PLEASE DO REPLY MAILS TO THE LAWYER IN CHARGE OF YOUR CLEARANCE AND PAYMENT BARR. JOY V. COOTEN ON : irwinmitchell@rogers.com
Am waiting for your urgent response.
Barr. David Robert

Executive Vice President and Chief Financial Officer 

Let’s take a closer look at these tidbits:

One Mr Jonathan – this falls into the “who writes like this?” category, so often seen in spam

Australian lawyer – things that are out of the ordinary supposedly have more credibility. He’s not just a lawyer. He’s an Australian lawyer. The specificity, I suppose, makes it more real sounding.

Please, do confirm to us, as matter of urgency -again, who writes like this? Perhaps those who have never corresponded with actual lawyers believe that they communicate in this manner.

Based on board of directors meeting today, they have concluded to approve the payment on his favor – So, the board of directors of a bank convened in order to discuss a wire transfer? OK.

processing fees – Ahhhhhh, now we get to the heart of the matter! You want me to send you processing fees.

in my concerted efforts to actualize your fund payment with the convenient time schedule I will raise $500, so I am expecting $360 from you today – Above all else, this should show beyond all doubt how laughably ridiculous this is: the notion that a bank employee is covering $500 out of his own pocket in order to “acutalize” a wire being sent to a customer. Now THAT is customer service, my friends.

once you have provided to the Bank with their demands, they would now be under legal obligation to transfer the funds to you within 24hours once we confirm this $360. YES you must receive the delivery within two working day – So it’ll be sent within 24 hours, which apparently translates into two working days.

3. QUESTION=======WHAT 4. ANSWER======MY FUNDS -Umm, is this some new SWIFT protocol or something?

We do business each day with an absolute commitment to ethics, honesty and credibility. – Thank goodness for that!

BARR. JOY V. COOTEN ON : irwinmitchell@rogers.com – Oh, look – it’s not just some jackass lawyer. It’s a barrister. America’s deep Anglophilia clearly led to that usage.

 I know spam is nearly free to send, but if even one person in a million took the initiative to send funds based on one of these things, that’s one person too many.