News/Equities Correlation

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As a public service, I offer an updated guide to news events, their correlating effect on equity markets, and the longevity of aforementioned effects:

Event: Calamitous nuclear plant catastrophe following epic earthquake and deaths in five figures

Equities: Down 5%

Longevity: 2 weeks

Event: Severe follow-up 7.4 earthquake in beleaguered worldwide economic power

Equities: Down 0.5%

Longevity: 12 minutes

Event: Worldwide nuclear war

Equities: Down 7%

Longevity: 5 weeks

Event: Five-mile wide asteroid impacting earth, destroying all life forms

Equities: Down 12%

Longevity: Permanent, but only because computer systems obliterated

Event: Steve Jobs seen walking down street without extreme signs of physical distress

Equities: Up 30%

Longevity: Indefinite