We Don’t Need Another Hero

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In spite of all evidence to the contrary, I’ve never been a nerd. I’ve never played Dungeons & Dragons in my life. I never was particularly good at computer programming. And I was never into comic books.

Having said that, I’m wading into unfamiliar waters when I observe anything from the world of comics, and it certainly isn’t anything I follow. But I was struck by this news that just tumbled out:

Who are these heroes, you may ask? And what marvelous powers do they have? Read on.

First we have Snowflake and Safespace, who are twins. “Snowflake is non-binary and goes by they/them, and has the power to generate individual crystalized snowflake-shaped shurikens,” New Warriors writer Daniel Kibblesmith told Marvel.com. “The connotations of the word ‘snowflake’ in our culture right now are something fragile, and this is a character who is turning it into something sharp.” Uh-huh.

Next we have Screentime whose power is……….being connected to the Internet. Yes, I’m serious. Superman can fly, bend steel, and outrun any car, but fuckin’ Screentime can hop onto RedTube any time he likes.

When I saw the next one, I was hoping her name was FatAss, but, sadly, it is not. It’s Trailblazer She has a superpower, too, and I bet you’re dying to know what it is. Evidently she has a backpack, and she never knows what she’s going to pull out of it next. Maybe a valu-pak of Ho-Ho’s or something.

With all these crappy new characters being introduced, I think it’s high time for the world to behold Bear Market Man.

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