Since the next 24 hours are going to be mostly waiting around for Jerome Goddamned Powell to speak, I thought I’d mix it up with a little personal observation instead. For almost two years now, the people of Earth have been putting on (and throwing away) literally billions upon billions of surgical masks in this bizarre new world of ours. It occurred to me at the grocery store that there should be some new words coined to describe some of the new situations we’re dealing with. Please offer your ideas in the comments section.
- Auto-eroticism– The completely unnecessary act of keeping your mask on while driving your own car with your own family or, even more freakishly, all by yourself. WTF, people?
- Finger-licking-good– You’re in the grocery store and want to buy some produce. You tear off one of the plastic bags to do so. You know it is physically impossible to actually open the bag without employing the same method used for thousands of years by humans, which is to lick the tips of your fingers and thereby open up the end of the bag. Therefore, by subterfuge, you sneak your thumb and index finger under your mask, give ’em some quick tongue, and do what you need to do. Sounds like my wedding night.
- Self-fog-ulation– You have your mask on (such as on an airplane) and want to read. You slip on your reading glasses. In approximately seven seconds, your exhalation has shrouded your eyeglasses with an impenetrable layer of fog. Enjoy your book!
