Comedy Gold

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I want to state at the outset that this is not a political post. It may be accidentally taken as one, since it basically points and laughs at Jacob Wohl, who is a well-known Trump-loving lunatic. My impression, however, is that 95% of the people who know about him, irrespective of politics, consider this kid (now facing felony securities fraud charges) to be a laughable oaf, so I don’t think I’m treading into dangerous territory here.

I was prompted to do this post because of the “press conference” Wohl decided to throw with his co-lunatic Jack Burkman. These guys have done these sorts of things before. There was the one with Robert Mueller committing sexual assault. And the other about “Mayor Pete” Buttigieg sexually assaulting another guy. The list goes on. Every single one has been a farcical shitshow.

And yet the one they held today (as I’m typing this, Thursday, October 3, 2019) was definitely one for the books. Here was the announcement:

It took me about 0.5 seconds to notice these illiterate buffoons had misspelled “conscience” as “conscious”, although I daresay neither of them could articulate the difference between these two words. In any case, the announcement was absolutely alluring, because its content was so laughable, that you knew it was going to be a great show.

And indeed it was. I present to you nearly a half hour of comedy gold that Dave Chapelle could never hope to beat:

In the freeze frame of the video above, left to right, you’ve got (1) a person pretending to be their security guard; (2) a supposed veteran who claims Senator Warren made him her submissive sex slave; (3) Burkman; (4) Wohl. The podium is obscuring Burkman, but we’ll go ahead and assume he managed to zip up his fly, unlike the time he claimed Mueller was a serial sexual predator:

In no particular order, allow me to share some of my own impressions, having watched the entire press “conference”, attended by several dozen people who, to a man, came to guffaw at these ass-clowns:

  • The most persistent part of the atmosphere in the video is the nonstop laughing; I think there are comedy clubs that have had fewer laughs than took place during this big “reveal”;
  • It’s clear the gents standing on the porch of this townhouse aren’t especially well-educated or well-read; one of their verbal pratfalls was Wohl’s declaration that Senator Warren had an “explicit relationship” with the (supposed) veteran, whereas I think the poor ass meant to say “illicit”;
  • Wohl and Burkman repeatedly lean on a trick used by politicians all the time, which is to praise “Kelvin”, the (supposed) Afghanistan Marine veteran since he’s a “hero”; umm, listen, there are a handful of “heroes’ in the military, yes, but just because you signed up to work for the U.S. military doesn’t make you a fucking hero; it usually means you couldn’t find a job anywhere else; but I digress…….
  • As the crowd keeps chortling, Burkman demands to know “Are you laughing at our troops?” and “Are you laughing at our dead soldiers?” Considering how suspicious the credentials of this ‘veteran’ appear to me, I’m not so sure these fellows should be gasping about all the respect we owe this bodybuilder dude;
  • Someone in the crowd had the foresight to play (loudly) Patsy Cline’s song “Crazy” during the event;
  • When they had Kelvin, the supposed veteran, clumsily describe his sexual history with Senator Warren, he couldn’t stop smirking and laughing. It was like watching auditions for an 8th grade play. In defense of Kelvin, I don’t think many of us could speak of Senator Warren wearing a “lime-green strap-on dildo” without at least a giggle;
  • The gents on the porch offered as Exhibit A to their claim that Senator Warren was in an open marriage the fact that she hadn’t changed her surname. In fact, recent surveys indicate about 20% of women keep their last names after they are married, so this doesn’t hold water (either);
  • There are other surprises about Senator Warren, besides the fact that she likes rough sex and enjoys a variety of (Amazon-sourced) sex toys. Turns out she has an illegitimate child and, since she’s a woman, she’s “more hormonal than men” and thus shouldn’t be trusted as President. She was also repeatedly describe as a “frail old woman”, even though she’s three years younger than our current President.
  • In contrast to Warren, Trump is titillatingly described by an adoring Wohl as a “peak alpha male”, and is thus entitled to whatever dalliances he might enjoy. I suspect Jacob got a chubby when making that statement.

My favorite part, by far, of the video was the security guard. There are at least four separate occasions with Wohl commands him to “deal with” someone in the crowd, and the dude just stands there, doing nothing. This is surprising, consider the awesome power his dime-store badge should convey to him.

Second favorite part was when Kelvin the (supposed) veteran takes off his shirt to show the scars the Senator inflicted with – – and I am not making this up – – a cat o’ nine tails. No, this photo isn’t of his ass. It’s his left arm and shoulder. Oh, incidentally, when someone pointed out this dude has an Instagram account, it didn’t take long for the Interwebz to find the post he made four months ago showing the same scar and explaining he got it from a chain from a child’s swing set.

And, having briefly glanced at Kelvin’s Instagram account, I’ve got to say, he certainly is fond of pictures of muscular, buffed young men. So, like Jacob Wohl, nothing gay about the guy. Nope. Not a thing. Noooooooooo sir.

Whereas other pictures suggest Kelvin is an unabashed douchebag. Oddly, in all the photos, there isn’t a single image of him in combat fatigues or otherwise associated with anything military. How about that, eh? Cough cough stolen valor cough cough. Incidentally, when someone asked him why he didn’t have a Purple Heart, in spite of his claim to being injured in combat, he responded by saying you had to apply for it. Maybe they didn’t have the right form handy.

In the end, as difficult a challenge as it was, Wohl and Burkman actually managed to make themselves more embarrassing and foolish-looking than ever thought possible. And, considering what the betting sites are saying about the various candidates (with Warren highlighted below), one might understand why these fine young gentlemen might be getting a little worried about election prospects in about thirteen months.

Oh, and Jacob honey…….good luck with that criminal trial of yours. We’ll all be looking forward to the verdict.