There is a terrifically cool dude by the name of Barry Goss who, upon reading my post about psychedelics and spiritual healers, sent me the following. I found it hilarious (and spot-on), so Barry kindly gave me permission to share it:
SPIRITUAL RED FLAGS TO WATCH FOR (AND THEIR MEANINGS):
1: To ‘hold space’ for someone = To sit and stare at someone with emotional issues for an uncomfortable amount of time, then pat yourself on the back for basically doing nothing while your homie has a breakdown.
2: I’m in transition = I’m unemployed and totally fucking lost, so I have created an identity out of being an opportunist. Maybe you have some work for me or food? Or a trade? I do crystal readings!
3: I’m processing a lot of downloads from the Universe = I smoked too much DMT and can’t afford therapy. By pretending that my fragile brain is a sacred record keeper, I receive validation for speaking gibberish.
4: I’m a lightworker/empath = I am depressed and unstable and take zero responsibility for my own self-destructive tendencies, and need to focus on condescending your dark shit to avoid my own. (PS: I’ll diagnose you as a narcissist)
5: I am a Reiki Master= I crave human contact, And this makes me feel less insecure than Tinder. I can cross personal physical boundaries with ease if I so choose, depending on what my client looks like, or I can think about random things while getting paid handsomely to hold my hands awkwardly over someone’s body.
6: You have an amazing Aura = I would love to bang you.
7: I am writing a travel blog = I don’t want to go home, I no longer fit in: I never have. I don’t know where I will end up, but I’d like to get paid to figure it out.
8: I’m not looking for a relationship/ only deep soul connections = I have commitment issues and fear of intimacy so I collect partners with compatible insecurities. I understand you will head off to Thailand soon anyways. “Bread-crumbing my love keeps me safe” is my mantra, while I dip my dick like a candlestick in every Shanti ratchet priestess in town.
9: ‘Inner Goddess Within’ workshops = An understanding of daddy Issues and a way to overdevelop the masculine side to protect the little girl within. Helping participants to surrender to the bias that all men are shit ( all of this for a nominal fee). The level two masterclass will teach you how to gal-activate your man’s scrotum chakra enough to make him forget that you pay for bullshit workshops with his harvest money.
10: A guru = Someone who has overstepped the threshold of self-development into supreme egotism and found a niche market. Carries a flute and has a name you can’t pronounce (though his driver’s license says Steve) and chants words he doesn’t understand. But interesting tattoos…right?
11. A shaman = see above.
12: Worshipping the Beloved = Classic scenario where a cluster B personality type convinces you at a festival that you are their twin flame, lost for centuries in the ether. If you have never been loved by your primary caregivers, this is paradise on earth as your fear of abandonment gets spanked with a mala on the magical, mystery tour of self-deception.
13: In the flow = I never commit to anything, especially plans to do anything with anyone, so that I can completely flake out and not take any responsibility for it; ie I didn’t pay my phone bill this month.
14: Co-creating a retreat/gathering = my borderline personality friends and I have exhausted all other means of making an honest income, and have decided instead to use our social media clout (aka naked buttcheeks) to radically overcharge a too-large group of saps for 2-14 days of mediocre vegan food, awkward group encounters, and real-world-style sexual politics.
15; Substance Free Event = Powder drugs are fine but if you bring alcohol, we’ll judge the shit out of you. Tobacco’s cool if you snort it and call it “ceremony” or roll your own.
16: Speaking My Truth = I reserve the right to be an asshole in this conversation and you must honour it, regardless of how deep my delusion may be. I’ll probably use this phrase every time I don’t want to be called out for my phony bullshit, because it’s all perspective man..