All I Got Was a Rock

By -

OK, yesterday it was bisexual Superman. And then today I’m hit with this:

Oh, let’s read about this, shall we?

A complicated issue? A COMPLICATED ISSUE!?! What holiday could be more innocent?!?

  • It isn’t Columbus Day, which is representative of genocide;
  • It isn’t Thanksgiving, which can be associated with killing off the Indians;
  • It isn’t Christmas, which I’ve heard might have something to do with Jesus;
  • It isn’t Easter, which also has something to do with Christianity

I mean, for God’s sake, Halloween was my favorite holiday as a kid! Let’s examine the nature of Halloween:

  1. You don’t have to buy presents for ANYBODY;
  2. You don’t have to deal with getting cards made and mailed;
  3. There’s no special meal to prepare;
  4. You get to dress up in whatever fun costume you like;
  5. You get goddamned free candy and hang out with your closest friends.

Jesus H. Christ on a biscuit, what the fuck is wrong with these idiot parents?

It MARGINALIZES STUDENTS OF COLOR? HUH!?!?! Again, bullet point time:

  • If anything, I can’t think of any holiday that brings kids together better;
  • Color? What color? We’re all wearing costumes!
  • As for the students who want to hide in the library because of their sensitivity to “all the noise and excitement”; yeah, well, with all due respect to those kids, we don’t want them in our parade anyway. What dorks.

Oh, but there’s more.

Unable to afford costumes, huh? Horseshit. Total horseshit. Bring me to one of those families you claim can’t afford a costume. Give me 15 seconds to find $500 in unnecessary purchases they’ve made. I can probably do so with time to spare. And as for inclusive events like studying autumnal artwork, I just want to pause a moment here and thank my personal savior Jesus H. Christ that I actually got to enjoy Halloween and wasn’t in a classroom looking at dead leaves.

And, honestly, if some family literally has $0.00 to its name, Adam Sandler solved this problem DECADES ago:

Listen, you know me well enough to know that, compared to Slopers, I’m a hippy-dippy, super-trippy left wing Bay Area progressive ghey-boy. But if this wokeism crap keeps up, I’m buying a red hat.