Given the market's resilience to bad news lately (the swine flu being the latest example), I thought a guide to news events and their effects on the market would be helpful to Slopers.
| Event | Net Effect on Equity Markets |
| Threatened nuclear detonation in major U.S. city | Quick drop on Dow of 30 points, followed by major rally, particularly in building material stocks. |
| Successful detonation of nuclear bomb in U.S. city | The Dow plunges 50 points and holds its lows most of the day; next morning is seen as buying opportunity. Dow +210. |
| US Treasury declares all national currency in circulation is now worth 5 times its nominal face value. | Dow soars 600, easing back to 550 by day's end. |
| Chili's and Cheesecake Factory issue a joint press release stating that leftover onion rings taken home may also be used as effective marital aids. | Relatively small effect on Dow, but restaurant stocks push 32% higher. |
| JP Morgan, Goldman Sachs, and B of A announce they are all bankrupt, due to having dispensed remaining corporate assets to executives into a special retention bonus program. | FAZ finally pushes higher – this time by 7 cents – before collapsing to sub-$1 for reasons no one can explain. |
| Geithner picks nose, discreetly pulling out booger. | Quick spike of 70 points. |
| ….then eats it. | Followed by fresh surge of another 50 points. |
