With every passing day, month and year, we’re going to degrade. Our hair will turn grey (or fall out). Our skin will wrinkle. Our muscles will weaken. And, at some point, we’ll die. It happens to everyone, and it shouldn’t be a source of shame or discomfort.
That is, unless you are nuts. We have all been witness to those in life who are so mentally troubled that they will spend any amount of money to attempt to stave off the aging process, sometimes with absolutely comic (more accurately, pathetic) results.
What prompted me to write this post wasn’t Hollywood freaks. We’ll always have those, and I’m sure that they’ll get even weirder as technology changes. Instead, I wanted to write about this fellow named Bryan Johnson.
Seems like a normal looking fella, right? Well, hear me out.
Bryan is an entrepreneur, and he struck it rich back in 2013 when he told one of his companies, Braintree, to Paypal for $800 million. Thus, he was financially set for life, and he could do anything he wanted to do with his money.
Allow me to take a moment to underline that last point. It’s his money, and I have no say-so in how he spends it. If for some reason I did, I’m sure I would directly millions every year to helping animals – – dogs in particular – – in need. That’s a worthy cause. But Mr. Johnson, if he so chose, could instead spend $2 million every single year focused on his health including, let’s say, aiming for the goal of having the rectum of an 18-year-old.
Which, by the way, he has expressed stated as a target. He wants the rectum of an 18-year-old.
Perhaps that’s an urge we mustn’t explore too deeply.
You will be relieved to know the $2 million goes far beyond his rectum. Mr. Johnson has a team of 30 doctors and regenerative health experts overseeing his regime, which includes an all-vegan diet, dozens of vitamins and supplements, and a rigid sleep schedule. As reported by the New York Post:
Johnson wakes every morning at 5 am, takes two dozen supplements, works out for an hour, drinks green juice laced with creatine and collagen peptides, and brushes and flosses his teeth while rinsing with tea-tree oil and antioxidant gel.
Before bedtime, Johnson wears glasses that block blue light for two hours. He also constantly monitors his vital signs and undergoes monthly medical procedures to maintain his results, including ultrasounds, MRIs, colonoscopies and blood tests.
While sleeping, Johnson is hooked up to a machine that counts the number of nighttime erections. He also takes daily measurements of his weight, body mass index, body fat, blood glucose levels and heart-rate variations.
Here’s a photo from the same article. The less said, the better.
Our man Bryan has declared that he wants to live to 150 years old. I could write an entire post on what an ill-conceived idea that is just from a psychological point of view, but – – have you ever seen a 100 year old?
Former President Jimmy Carter was a handsome man in his youth, and he remained slender and healthy his entire life (without spending $2 million a year on it either, by the way).
Yet in spite of living an exceptionally clean life and having excellent medical care, 100 years is still 100 years, and even this photo from a few years back doesn’t exactly suggest what a worthy goal it would be for Mr. Carter to live another half century.
But, by God, Bryan Johnson is committed to fighting back the hands of time, so he regularly undergoes expensive and extensive skin treatments.
As well as light therapy. (As a side note, I think most adult women have hairier bodies than this guy).
Things have recently taken a turn for the strange, however. Now he is taking the blood of his son (named Talmage – – yeah, I know) and putting it into his own body. Here’s a photo of them, and honestly, my weird-o-meter is pegged at this point.
It doesn’t end there, however. For reasons my limited cranial capacity cannot fathom, he has also elected to have his father’s blood injected into his own body. Let’s have another family photo to commemorate this sharing and caring, shall we?
What. The. Hell.
Perhaps you’re wondering what his wife looks like. Well, in the least-surprising news you’re going to read all day, she’s no longer married to the guy. I’ll leave it to you to ponder why on Earth she would make such a choice.
I’ll repeat what I’ve already said: it’s his money and he can spend it as he pleases. I personally find it kind of contemptible that he’s spending it in such a narcissistic manner, but so be it.
Life is fully of ironies, however. Fabled fitness expert James Fixx died at 52 years old, whereas Keith Richards, shown below, is in his 80s and doing just fine and dandy.
It wouldn’t surprise me at all – – indeed, I actually expect it – – for Bryan Johnson to die long before his normal, natural lifespan, just because, let’s face it, such a thing would make all the sense in the world. I don’t think he’s going to live to 150, in spite of spending tens of millions on that desire.
But, whenever he finally leaves this life, at least he’ll still have the rectum of an 18-year-old.
