Since I’ve been offering up a waterfall of profits to short sellers in recent weeks, particularly Slope’s premium accounts, I think I’ll spend some of my goodwill and social capital with some free-floating bitching about a few verbal sins which get under my skin. So, let’s begin.
What? That’s right, my first gripe has to do with “what.”
There is only one instance in which the question “What?” is appropriate, and that is when the person speaking to you is utterly unintelligible.
If someone strolls up to you and says “Fizzbin” or “Adjksj skjsdk iwe” or “Can I mumbo dogface to the banana patch?” you have every right to respond, “What?” which is merely a shorthand way of stating, “I have no idea what you just uttered, so kindly repeat yourself.”
You have my blessing on this, so get get ’em, tiger.
However, here on Earth, both in real life and in every form of media, every time a person states something shocking or surprising, even though their words are crystal clear and easy to understand, the goddamned recipient of the information says, “What?” Some examples:
"I was just walking down the street downtown, minding my own business, and this guy ran up to me and chopped my dick off!"
“What?”
"Bobby! Your mother was just killed by a regiment from a Civil War reenactment!"
“What?”
And so forth. In media, this is just lazy writing. In real life, it’s just a stall tactic, and it bugs the piss out of me.
If someone comes up to you and states that, in fact, their dick has been chopped off, there are a host of more appropriate queries you can offer, such as “For what reason?” or “With what implement?” or “And what did they do with it after?”
You’re going to have a lot of questions, but for the love of all things holy, you just heard the freaking question, so don’t be an oaf and ask them “What?” you putz. Instead, you should immediately start drilling into the story, because it’s bound to be a good one and almost certainly worth sharing with other friends and family. Don’t be lazy. Ask good questions.
It’s All Good
No, it isn’t. It isn’t all good. Most things aren’t good at all, which is what makes the good stuff…………..good.
Most financial websites suck. Slope doesn’t. It’s good. That’s just one example.
There are many variations of this, but the commonplace “it’s all good” is a toss-off used by younger people today in place the more classic “it’s all right” or “it’s fine.” Yet if you watch the television show The Bear (as I do, which should be no surprise) it seems like every other line is one of these:
- You good?
- Good?
- We good?
- It’s all good.
Oh, just shut the fuck up, or at least put some effort into expanding your vocabulary. Mincing around life declaring every thing, every person, and every situation as good is just plain lazy. Get some standards and, if for some reason you are forced to cast judgment on whatever is around you, instead declare that it sucks and save your praise for the people and circumstances which truly deserve it.
You Got This
This is a close cousin of the last one, since it falls into the category of ceaselessly positive affirmations. I must once again blame The Bear for riling me up.
“You got this” has been with us for a few years, but it certain wasn’t around when I was a young adult. It’s frequently uttered to children in athletic situations, and it is a catch-all for assuring the listener that whatever challenge they are about to face, whether it’s achieving a high jump, getting a 4.0 grade average, or screwing the cap back on the tube of toothpaste, that they will, in the end, emerge victorious, and the tasty of their success will be sweet.
Listen, I’m sure I’ve got a verbal crutch or two, and you’re welcome to chastise me for any of them. I strive to make life better, and aligning your behavior with the guidelines above will go a long way toward that goal.
