Clueless Cohen

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As an aesthete, I tend to remark on physical appearance more often than I should. Over the years, I’ve certainly said a thing or two about one Abigail Joseph Cohen, since she has the kind of physiological makeup that would make me reconsider my own sexual preference choices.

But she’s an investment analyst, not a swimwear model, so why focus on how she looks? So, totally by chance…………and I was not looking for this……….I saw a featured article in July 2018 in which she states that it’s not equities she is worried about, but bonds.


Before I go on, I want to emphasize what the caption reminds us: this woman (?) is the Senior Investment Strategist at none other than Goldman Sachs. Only God knows what this person makes, but it’s going to be a lot. Plus she is consistently featured, year after year, in Barron’s as an investment luminary.

So let’s see how bonds have done, since AJC warned us away I’ve tinted the publication date of the article).


Hmmm. I guess for a little while she was right, but the multi-decade bull market in bonds has continued unabated. Before we leave this topic, how did equities do against bonds?

slopechart TLTSPY

Hmmm. Bonds have performed very nicely versus stocks since the article came out. So……..she got it dead wrong.

I don’t want to seem like I’m cherry picking. After all, maybe 99% of her ideas are great, and I found her rare fumble (spoiler alert: this is not the case). So I grabbed, randomly, the next article I saw about ol’ Joe………..I guess the editors thought, for the sake of their subscriber base, a generous watercolor would be easier on the eyes than an actual photograph. Next to it, they featured Cohen’s top picks for 2018.

I don’t have easy access to stuff like the Korea or Hong Kong exchanges, but let’s just grab those two U.S. stocks from the top……..

slopechart ABBV
slopechart OXY

Ummm. OK.

So what exactly is it that this lady is good at? Because it sure as hell doesn’t seem to be investment ideas.

If anyone from Goldman is reading this, please know that I’m happy to take on a job making random guesses, being wrong, and getting paid a huge check. I don’t know Abby makes, but I’ll gladly take half and save you the difference. Plus I guarantee that I look better in a bikini, if that’s your thing.