Peloton Joke Explodes

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I said it over and over and over again. Americans are too fat, lazy, and undisciplined to persistently:

  1. Pay a huge sum for a bike that goes nowhere;
  2. Steadfastly exercise on it every day, egged on by some somatic narcissist yelling instructions through a screen;
  3. Paying almost $100 a month, month after month, for the privilege

I mean, good God, I practically have to pledge fellatio to get you cheap slobs to sign up for a Bronze account, which costs pennies a day!. Does anyone really expect that Peloton would be a thriving business? Not me! I’ve written about them literally dozens of times, such as this post where I suggested shorting the hell out of the thing when it was $137.

Well, the poo hit the proverbial plexiglass today, because Peloton announced – – – weak earnings? No. Slightly lower sales figures? No. Nope, they said they were HALTING PRODUCTION completely on the one product they sell. I assume this is because they probably have warehouses full of the goddamned thing.

The effect on the already-battered stock is very subtle, but you can just make it out if you look closely:


Here’s the entire history of this kangaroo turd. It is down 87% from its peak. These guys just got lucky with Covid (sort of like, oh, I dunno, MRNA and PFE). Their luck has totally run out.

slopechart PTON

Of course, these guys aren’t idiots. They dumped their stock left, right, and sideways way up in the triple digits, leaving Ma ‘n’ Pa Kettle holding the giant back of fecal matter. These guys were literally laughing all the way to the bank at the poor schmucks whose money they were pinching. To say nothing of all the Peloton product owners who are probably wondering if the aforementioned instructors on the screen would even exist anymore.

Lastly, I’d like to introduce you to a man who is going to soon be acquainted with every securities litigation trial lawyer in the United States of America.