As a public service, I offer an updated guide to news events, their correlating effect on equity markets, and the longevity of aforementioned effects:
Event: Calamitous nuclear plant catastrophe following epic earthquake and deaths in five figures
Equities: Down 5%
Longevity: 2 weeks
Event: Severe follow-up 7.4 earthquake in beleaguered worldwide economic power
Equities: Down 0.5%
Longevity: 12 minutes
Event: Worldwide nuclear war
Equities: Down 7%
Longevity: 5 weeks
Event: Five-mile wide asteroid impacting earth, destroying all life forms
Equities: Down 12%
Longevity: Permanent, but only because computer systems obliterated
Event: Steve Jobs seen walking down street without extreme signs of physical distress
Equities: Up 30%
Longevity: Indefinite
