Anyone who has ever opened up a newspaper is all too familiar with the flowery language real estate agents will use to push their wares. Here in Palo Alto, with housing prices at historic highs, the thesaurus is in heavy use. Increasingly petite properties at ever-rising prices are becoming more difficult to perfume with prose.
This morning I stumbled across this beauty:
For example, whereas most people have the sun coming through their windows, the buyer of this property gets “glowing natural light.” The headline at the top of this full-page ad (I couldn’t scan the whole thing) reads “Enchanting Cottage Nestled in the Heart of Palo Alto.” So there you have it in four key words:
Enchanting – – like a Disney princess tale;
Cottage – – as if lovingly constructed in a European glen;
Nestled – – imagine yourself scooching under your down comforter at night;
Heart – – need I say more?
The price they want for this 660 square foot (!) doll’s house is $1.5 million (and that’s just the ask; who knows what someone will actually pay), which comes to about $2300 per square foot. So that six urine-saturated square feet surrounding the single toilet you get? Yeah, that’s $13,800 right there.
One bit of wording puzzled me – – “private peaceful street.” This is right in my neighborhood, and I know Homer Avenue well. It’s a public street, like all other streets. But upon closer inspection, I see that this “house” is crammed shoulder-to-shoulder with a bunch of other tiny cottages on a lilliputian private drive. Here’s the view from the, umm, public street. Enchanting, isn’t it? Even the garbage container conjures up images of wonderment.
Of course, in such tight quarters, you’re going to have a lot of neighbors. Maybe you’d like to stroll around the neighborhood and meet some of them. Sandeep, for instance, is just a stone’s throw away. And that’s fitting, because you’ll probably want to be armed when approaching this creep. (Information courtesy of the Megan’s Law site…………). I’ve placed the smiling face of the realtor at the location of your new abode.
When I bought my house in 1991, I was told it was the stupidest financial decision I ever made by family members. Turns out they were wrong. But, I’ve got to say, here in the year 2018, buying a property like this at such valuations………..I’m the one saying the buyer is stupid.
But if you decide to take the plunge, say hi to Sandeep for me. And tell him to stay indoors.